In this blog so far I have given some of the history. But what I have wanted to do was to give hope to those people that were in situations like mine that it does get better. It takes time, effort, and patience. Changes come in small increments, and one day you wake up and your whole world is different. Even though it feels like it will never end. Over time, the confusion, sadness and pain will leave you. Bit by bit, you find yourself better than yesterday.
I don't think at all about my ex-husband much anymore. I really don't care what happens to him or if he is alive or dead. I will admit that's terrible because he is the father of my children (in spite of all the endless accusations denying them). But the fact is, I honestly don't care. If he crosses my mind at all, its basically to laugh about how all this definitely did not turn out the way he expected it too.
I often wish that I had ended the marriage years earlier, so much needless suffering. I probably will still write about things that were said and done to me, because it was from hearing about others that helped me recognize how toxic my own situation had become. There was a time when I couldn't imagine him being with someone else. Now, he is living down the road with a new woman and I could care less.
I am still dealing with the after effects of the abuse from that relationship. It takes much longer than you think. Be gentle with yourself.
Its been a year since our divorce was signed by the judge. What an amazing day it was when I got the papers saying my divorce would be final in 30 days. I still get an emotional high when I think of how I am not longer connected to that man. He has no say or influence in my life. I am still adapting, in many ways I am a bit like a baby exploring a new world. I was with my ex since I was 21, I let him lead. So finally I am the star of my own story!
Most of my time now is spent trying to figure out what type of life I want for myself. I have been really busy dealing with renovations on my old farm house, taking care of the kids and just generally living my life. I regularly find myself stopping and pinching myself, is this all real? I had never in a million years believed I would be free to do whatever it was that I wanted to do. I am rediscovering the things I had enjoyed, and been busy making new discoveries. That is an important process, I will be posting more about that.
Its been more than a year of planning and execution for my renovations. I am finally starting to see the results, today the new vanity was installed into my bathroom, soon my new shower will be installed and the clawfoot tub I had always wanted. I can see the outline of how absolutely amazing my kitchen will be. I have extra tall cabinets, with cabinet lighting all over the place and I am currently waiting for my new quartz countertops to arrive. And all of this blows my mind. Its incredible what you can accomplish on your own. None of this happened overnight, it was slow and sometimes painful. In many ways, the process is very similar to getting out of a toxic situation, at first its a a mess, stuff is everywhere and you can hardly stand it, but then suddenly things start to take shape and you make your way out of it. But the main point is, not all that long ago, I couldn't have imagined any of this. I have been living in a house with half finished poor quality workmanship all over the place. I was constantly juggling finances. My car was making horrible grinding noises that everyone in the could hear. And slowly, but surely I have been eliminating one problem at a time.
The life my ex-husband leads, and the life I lead are vastly different now. And I have come to realize, that life that actually felt pretty shameful, with broken things and a constant struggle to stay afloat, was not me. That's not at all who I am. And your past is likely not who you were either. I took it all very personally, as if the shoddy conditions that surrounded me were a reflection of me. I have actually lived in those types of conditions for a very long time. My parents home was similar, no where near as bad, but I was used to showers not working, or things generally being shoddy.
And its not only the physical conditions, its the mental and emotional toll it takes on you when you are living with emotional and verbal abuse. As time goes on, my mind and my heart just continue to clear. I do not feel that knot in my stomach, that constant ache of anxiety. I have more patience in general, and I am more relaxed.
If I had known this what was on the other side, I would have left years earlier. Yes, it was bumpy, yes it was emotional and tough. But YES it was worth it! I have my life back!