What does Verbal Abuse sound like? Listen here

Updated: Jul 19

This was a debate for me. Should I let people hear this? To be honest, a lot of people have. It was part of me coming to terms with the reality of what I was dealing with. It was how I finally realized no, I wasn't crazy. This was happening and yes it was bad. This actually just a small sampling, the times when he was really vicious I didn't manage to record. First of all, I left this recording raw, I didn't edit it in any way. It's embarrassing for me because at this point I was still trying to placate him, I am still very much under his control here. I sound like an idiot in a couple spots trying to soothe him. But in the interest in helping others, I will put it all out there. A disclaimer, of course he didn't know he was being recorded. In my jurisdiction only one party needs to know there is recording so its completely legal.

This recording is about 40 minutes, but you really only need to hear the first 15 minutes to get the idea. Beyond that its more of the same behaviour. For some people it may be triggering, so please use your judgement on whether you are ready to hear it.

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One of the things that helped me recognize my situation was hearing and reading about examples of verbal abuse. The books by Patricia Evans and Lundy Bancroft are two excellent sources for this purpose. After this happened, I would find I would start to question myself, and wonder if it was really that bad. When I listen to this, it was a reminder that yes, it was that bad, and worse. There was so much I never recorded.

In this recording there is a lot of gaslighting and crazymaking. There is also the character assignation. He also resorts to an abuse tactic that is know as Abusive anger. Its when they rage at you to terrify you into submission. My children witnessed this behaviour, not on this particular day, but though out the marriage, I will forever feel guilt about the damage we have done to them and their psychological safety. I should have gotten them out of there far sooner.

As you notice, we talk very little about what actually was the problem. The fact that he was in a relationship with another woman. He was deflecting everything back onto me. This was all my fault. And I can't remember if this actually is on the tape or not, but apparently it was even my fault she was sending him suggestive texts. He told me he thought I put her up to it so he played along. Interesting that your world becomes so twisted that you become responsible for another woman's suggestive texts to your partner.

He took every thing he could ever thing of, and used it as a way of throwing me off balance. Taking off to Toronto with guys for example was a trip he was originally supposed to be part of, at the last minute he had to work so I went with my kids alone. We went to watch a provincial powerlifting meet. The "guys" I was travelling with supposedly, I actually never got closer than watching from the audience, I am pretty sure I said hello to them and congratulations on their showing, but that was about it.

The background of this recording is I had finally caught on he was having an affair with a "friend" of mine at the gym. They had been secretly meeting there for months. At this point I didn't really think he was having an affair, I thought she was hitting on him and he was an innocent victim. (I was so delusional) My "friend" openly went after married men. In fact she was on Ashley Madison, and tried to get me to go on it. She was apparently in an open marriage. I will write about this in another post. Its a pretty big part of why I finally woke up.

The interesting thing about this recording, is I was sitting there and suddenly realized my phone had a voice recorder, he had already been yelling at me for about an hour before this. I let it record and it stopped on its own at some point. He continued berating me for another 45 minutes or so after this. When I listened to this recording afterwards, I actually didn't even remember him saying most of this. It stunned me. Later he would say I never said this, or I never said that. And I could say to him, its on tape. When I heard this, I knew I wasn't imagining things. In the shock of the attack, your brain shuts down, you don't remember it. This type of incident was not isolated at all. It happened whenever he needed to get me back under control.

There is a lot to say about those events, and I will be writing about them, but for now, I will put this up

I have also attached a link to a playlist for more recordings. Its funny when its happening to you, it doesn't seem so bad, but when you hear the same thing happening to someone else you realize its horrifying. Survivors stories from Youtube, more examples.

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