Trapped by my own ego

Updated: Jul 19

Just over a week ago, I put my daughter on a plane for a two month exchange in Italy. My drive home from Montreal was bittersweet.

On one hand, I am incredibly proud of her, and really in need of a break of the constant responsibility of provided sole parental emotional support to a child still coming to terms with the divorce. On the other, sad, because I know when she comes back she will never need me the same way again. She is growing up and will be moving on.

When I see the damage that has been caused to my children from going up in a home that was filled with stress and emotional violence, its heartbreaking for me.

That I was never the kind of parent I wanted to be. I was capable of giving so much more love, support and attention to my children. But because of decisions I made as the adult, both to bring them into that sort of situation, and then subsequently stay there for so long, I bear responsibility.

I think it was horrible for my children to be brought into a family where there was not a foundation of love and support. I know at the time I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was making the right choices. I didn't know any better. It's only now I see how they were impacted. As I become more centered and balanced the fog in my mind is clearing. And seeing how unhealthy and toxic our home was for the kids. With some much turmoil, there wasn't much left for them in terms of emotional support.

I have to own the fact that I was part of crafting an image, and that was part of what held me in the situation. I didn't want to admit defeat. Some of it was triangulation, he actively pitted me against his ex the mother of his first child, he often would stir up jealously. There was no way I was going to let her see the two of us fail. I was very invested in making our family look like the picture of domestic bliss. I was determined that everyone would envy what I had.

But it was a very empty existence, because in reality there was nothing there. It was a series of going through the motions. There was possessiveness, jealously and dependency. But there was no love. And love is what you actually need to live in a successful relationship. Otherwise, like me, you have nothing. My ego not wanting to admit defeat was a massive part in me staying so long. There were other factors as well, just like most abusers he isolated me and actively worked to make me feel like I had no options. But there were parts of this story that were my doing. I am not saying that victims of abuse are responsible for their abuse. But I wonder now if I had not allowed my ego to influence my decisions, perhaps I would have found the strength to leave earlier. I might of eaten a little crow. The ex would have laughed at us, and enjoyed the failure. But I would have been out.

I cant fix that for myself now. But maybe someone out there, might still be in that position, and maybe they change their circumstance.

I lost years, wasted time and precious years of my life for myself and my children.

Looking back portraying an image is not worth it. it ends up with wasted years.

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