Updated: 4 days ago
So today was a pretty rough day. My son has been displaying the signs of early psychosis again, we think it may have been triggered by some celebrating he did while he was with on our trip to Tobermory, He might have gotten into something there. So we have been struggling to get him back on track for the last month. And it turns out, while he had been sober or a while, and during that time was slowly improving, recently he has slipped back into drug use, which for my son, means psychosis. Due to the fact that he smoked continuously with my ex's new partner after he last two hospitalizations, and he was still continuing to sneak it after coming to my house recovery has been made far more difficult and less certain. Early intervention makes a huge difference in cases like his. With early intervention, this might of been an ordeal that only lasted a month or two. But due to the neglect, complete lack of care and recklessness displayed by his father and his girlfriend by not only failing to provide the support he needed, but actively engaging in behaviors that were KNOWN to be the root of his problem. His recovery has been extremely slow and as time goes on, less and less likely. It's very frustrating because in the beginning he had an excellent chance of recovery. But his father did not take that seriously, so he didnt get the food, medication, care or routine that he needed in order to get back to the boy we all once knew. A happy go lucky fun loving kid.
So back to today, I had let him take his breakfast upstairs yesterday and every time he came down, I asked him to bring the plate back. This morning, I asked again and I told him I don't want to be attracting vermin up there. He flipped out, and it became clear he is in the early stages of psychosis again. I had used his car a little later and I found empty cannisters for edibles. the exact thing that triggers his episodes.
Finding this caused a shift in me. I have been spending months nurturing him, trying to get him stabilized and he can undo months of work with a single hit. This is not going to work. Nothing will work until he makes the decision to get better. I have given him an ultimatum about getting help. Unless he is committed to making the changes he is willing to make, I am not going to be supporting him anymore.
It's been frustrating for me because I have completely put my life on hold so that I could provide the support to my children required at this time. They all have their hot button issues and emotional upset. It's been a real challenge balancing it all. I have not had a lot of time for myself. There are a lot of things I really want to do still; I have piano lessons lined up. I haven't been able to go diving since Toby. I want to go out and hang out with my friends. I want my opportunity to live my life. I have not had that yet. The burdens of single motherhood have been pretty heavy. Especially with one child who is currently disabled and is extremely dependent on me for everything. But I have decided that I am not going to be sacrificing my life so that he can do drugs. It's the one thing I never ever wanted in my life, not with my ex and not with my children. Yet drug abuse has been something I have had to deal with, not for myself, but for people close to me. I personally cannot stand it. It was something I saw growing up, I saw how it destroys lives. I wanted nothing to do with it.
But today, I realized I just cannot do it anymore. If my son wants to dedicate his life to doing drugs and risking psychosis, then there is nothing I can do about it. But it's his choice of what he wants to do with his life. And he can live with the consequences of that. I am not going to sacrifice myself anymore. If he decides he wants help, I will be there to help and provide all the support he needs. but he has to want it. He has to choose it. Until that time, he will have to live with the consequences of his choices. That might mean living on the streets, or another hospitalization. It might mean he dies young. It's out of my hands. Whatever is going to happen, will happen. All I can do is release the control and hope for the best, because I cannot save him, only he can.
Shortly after that, I learned that the destruction of my barn will be quite profitable! I had no idea it was actually insured! It's much more than I expected, and more than enough to pay for a stint in a really nice rehab for him. So, I am hoping he makes that choice, and maybe we will be able to get some real help for him and hopefully we can get our boy back. The boy we know. I am hopeful but prepared for whatever outcome arrives. I know we have all really tried our best. One of my goals is for us to go on a world trip as a family. I think we really need that time to be together and just have fun and reconnect. But I am going to make those two wishes and let them go to the universe praying for the best.
*update, he has agreed to go to rehab. I have been warned that might just be manipulation to avoid ending up on the streets, but I am willing to give it at least one shot. Fingers crossed!