One year divorce update

This Morning I walked out with my coffee into this very scene. It took my breath away. Its October 12th, 2021. That is not a stock image, it's my yard.

What do I feel today? Happy. Very Happy, joyful, excited and full of hope. My brain has stopped the endless cycles of rumination trying to understand. I finally feel like the burden of trying to make sense of the control tactics is lifted. I am not walking around with sadness dominating my being. My heart feels light and happy. I can taste my coffee and I can think clearly. I don't feel like crying constantly.

My friends tell me I look happy, and that my whole demeanor has changed. I am curious what they mean by that, I will have to ask them. But I do know that internally I feel a sense of calm and peace that I am not sure I have ever experienced before. I am feeling a lot of love in my life. Things have just changed, and it happened rather suddenly. Well, more likely it was a slow progress, there was a lot of ups and downs and so many supportive friends and also strangers who have helped me with the different aspects of the healing process. After months, perhaps years of turmoil its just gone. All those years, I thought it was me. I know now it wasn't me, it was my situation that was screwed up. I always wondered how other people were so easy going and carefree, able to focus, laugh and enjoy themselves. I know now, its because they didn't have the same wounds, and were not dealing with the same load. My reactions were the normal reactions of someone who was going through psychological and emotional abuse. Anyone faced with my obstacles would have had similar experiences.

Its the one year anniversary of my divorce.

Will I think about this each year. I hope not. I hope one day to forget I was ever married to that man. But right now what do I feel? A sense of celebration. Its here. I have wanted this for so long, and its here. I am finally truly free. For the last year I have been immersing myself in the emotions and feelings that come along with breaking free from a relationship in which I felt controlled and dominated. My sense of self and self worth had been decimated. Those feelings now are mostly gone. I still get flashbacks, and feel the pangs but it is much better now.

A few months back I told a friend, I was getting flashes of forgetting, she said to me "Soon you will it will only be flashes of remembering" And that's what it is, every now and again something happens or I see something and I remember, but I can set it aside and enjoy the fact that's not my life anymore. We are marching through the path of progress. Every day the woman married to him is farther and farther behind, Me today, and that woman are not the same people. Oh that poor girl, I feel for her.

While I wanted a divorce within a couple years of being married, I really never thought this would ever happen. I truly thought that was my life. The fact that it finally became legal was a shock to me, and also the signal that it was now safe to begin the healing process. Prior to the final decree, I still had fear somehow it wasn't going to happen, that it was all a dream and I would wake back up to that living nightmare I was in for so many years. For months different emotions came bubbling up, non stop. I cried the tears of grief for a life in chains. The reality of what had been truly happening in my marriage began to really hit me. Do I still feel sad about the time and effort I have lost. Yes, a little bit. But a year ago, my friend collected me from the ferry in Victoria and I was a complete mess. I had no sense of who I was or what my future held. I had not yet accepted what I was really dealing with in my marriage. At first, it was her telling me who I was, reminded me of the girl she knew. She reminded me of how I have single focus drive when I have a goal. I had left home at 16, and went to high school in Alberta, everyone was sure I was going to be a failure at life. She told me "there was nothing that was going to stop you from going to school" I had completely forgotten that. Over this past year, she continuously reminded me of my good qualities. She never let me forget.

At this point, I am ready to turn the page. One month from now I will be in Italy picking up my daughter from her exchange program. While we are there we will be doing a little tour of Venice and Pompeii. Pompeii in particular has been a life long dream to visit. I remember being in grade school and seeing the pictures in National Geographic. I was spellbound. I have also planned a dive to the City of Baiae, in the Bay of Naples. Its a sunken city ruin, so I will be combining my new love of diving with an old love of archeology. I actually seriously considered taking archeology when I was in university. But at that time, I was more concerned about the practicalities of life than in pursuing a passion. This is something I will do differently in the future. Life is for living, not surviving. And I was only surviving.

Its unfortunate that my son cannot be there with me, when I go dive in Baiae, diving has become a thing we do together, and its been great connecting with him this way. Once when we were floating at a safety stop, he said he looked down at me at thought, this is not how I expected to be spending time with my mother, floating in the middle of the St. Lawrence. Fortunately, I will be connecting with him on a couple dive trips we have planned, one in Cozumel this winter, and another in Komodo, Indonesia next year. I really want to be in the water with a Great White, so apparently a trip to Guadalupe is somewhere in my future. I am currently trying to get my second son diving too, so we can all do it together, it can become a family thing. My daughter has not interest in getting into the water so she will man the boat.

I am still planning my move to BC. I love the home I am in, and I have been busy doing renos, but I will not be staying here. I am here until my children are off to university or college, then I am moving on. I find the ghosts here still a little much to live with, even with all the changes. I am always afraid I will run into him, and I have seen him drive by my house early in the morning when I know its not on his way to work. So I still get reminders. I would like to be able to go to the store and not worry he might drive in. I really do not want to see him, EVER.

I have been thinking about ways I might be able to keep the place and still move on. I would like to keep it as an investment for my children. Like Kevin had told me, you can't predict the future, and anything could happen so I will see. Man, I never thought in a million years I would be sitting where I am right now. So who can say what a year, two years or five will bring. Now is a time of transition between the past and the future. Its all so surreal. If you would have told me this is how it would turn out, I never would have believed you. And if I had known, I would have left him years ago. That's a regret I haven't fully resolved yet. Rome wasn't built in a day.

To sum it up, the worst is definitely over. I think I have accepted he will never apologize or even acknowledge what he did to me, though I know damn well he knows what he was doing and that it was wrong. But for me now, it no longer matters. He doesn't matter. Its strange to me that I was with him for almost 30 years, he is the children's father and now he is no different to me than any other stranger. I absolutely want to keep it that way. I never want that man in my life in any way ever again. I know what peace feels like now, and I am not going to every give it up again.

Its true, what a difference a year makes.

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