OMG I this is almost word for word.
I definitely heard every single one of these phrases. I was scrolling mindlessly, and this hit me like a ton of bricks. Every now and again I get these startling reminders, and I have to remember it's not my life now,and it was wrong. However, that does not stop the intrusions of the memories of his voice as I go about my day. I might be casually going about my day when suddenly I hear him, DON'T DO THAT! PICK UP THIS FUCKEN MESS. Oh and especially I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING CAROLYNNE!!!
Even though it has been three and a half years since my separation and two since my divorce, I still suffer the aftereffects of the psychological degradation. I was told that often with psychological abuse, it is so insidious that you really don't realize that the behaviour that has been normalized in that relationship, is actually abusive. It's only with time and distance after extricating yourself that you can see with clarity the insanity. Your nervous system needs time to calm before you can even begin to process what happened. That is one of the reasons recovery takes so long, and what makes you prone to falling into a similar relationship if you get involved with someone else to early,
While the source of the problem is gone, the aftereffects remain. The years of insidious degradation took a toll on my emotional well-being. I am emotionally wounded. I still feel the emotional pain. Sometimes, I just sit and think to myself "Why?" Why did he do this to me, to all of us. He caused us so much pain, all while claiming to love us. What was the point? If he was so unhappy that he needed to take it out on me, why not just leave. It's also hard to resist the old patterns. I have a tendency of taking care of things. I am very quick to leap to the rescue. I do not like to see anyone suffer. There is a point though, when what you really need to do is protect yourself and your family. Just because someone decides now they want to play nice doesn't me you should just open the door again.
My ex and I actually got alone perfectly fine up until he got into another relationship. We were pretty co-operative, and we helped each other out. The irony, I am pretty sure he borrowed money from me that likely paid for dates with his new girlfriend. But one day, he just started acting strange, I had no idea what was going on. He took the kids out to dinner and he told them he was in a relationship. He didnt tell me anything, which is fine he didn't owe me that. When I did find out, I congratulated him, I figured I would address the elephant in the room. He basically called me jealous and immediately hung up on me, and we did not speak again for two years. Silly me for thinking we could handle it like adults.
Then as the child support case comes up, well wouldn't you know he wants to be friendly again, now he wants me to meet his girlfriend. Suddenly he wants to talk about love notes I once put in his lunch box, and says "We had a MARRIAGE" He actually said we had a good marriage up until the last 6 years which he described as "a bit rough" (lol I think that is a bit of an understatement)
This caused me to stop and think, I wondered to myself, was it good until the last little bit? Am I imagining things. Then I remembered the time I was sitting in my office, we had been married at that point about 4 years, he called me and said "if I hurt these kids it will be your fault!". I also remember him screaming at me because I didn't do his laundry about a year in. So no, that abusive crazy behaviour did not spontaneously start at the end.
He also told me his new partner also had a history of abusive partners, which isn't surprising since victims of abuse often find themselves attracted to abusers, that abusive dynamic is familiar and gets confused with love. Especially in the lovebombing stage. It's quite common for abuse survivors to fall into several abusive relationships as we often keep choosing the same types of men, just with different faces.
He also said something else that was really interesting, referring to this blog, he said " because you have wrote it, and she has read it, I have changed" Interesting, if you never did anything wrong, why did you change? That is almost an admission, but not enough. For the record, I don't think he has changed, he has just changed his tactics. He has been exposed, so he needs to find new methods.
Why would he think after two years of him stonewalling me when I was trying to discuss our children, that I would immediately welcome him warmly and suddenly be on friendly terms. Obviously, he is trying to manipulate the situation. He does admit that he made mistakes and he didnt handle it correctly, but he is not apologizing. I really don't think he realizes the damage he has done, both to me and to his children. True to form, my lack of willingness to participate makes me the bitch, it has nothing to do with his track record. No, I have learned my lesson with him, he cannot be trusted. He is just pissed because he is no longer able to manipulate me.
At this point I have realized I can never be friends with him, nor do I want to be. I had always thought in the past we could stay friends, but his behaviour after our divorce made that completely impossible, and totally undesirable. I had to be in the same courtroom as him the other day. It was disturbing, his demeanor, his hands the way he moved everything brought back the memories, it was triggering and made me feel the same horrible feelings. He made me feel sick, I do not know how I ever lived with him, or how I ever let him touch me. YUCK. Even remembering that grosses me out.
While we were together, I never could understand why he wanted to be with me. He was always telling how terrible I was, but at the same time he was saying he loved me. It made no sense and was totally confusing. It is still hard, I remember who I thought he was, but now I see him for who he is. Once you see it, it cannot be unseen.
My question to myself is, how do I heal myself and become free of the demons that have haunted me for so long. I finally see him, how do I move past it and forgive myself for allowing myself to fall into and stay in that trap.