Every day is peace, I love the calm. I love the laughter. I love my relationships. My heart is opening and trusting again.
During my marriage, I was often emotionally numb. I was diagnosed with a persistent depressive disorder known as dysthymia. I felt down and depressed for so long, I thought that was normal. Life was just one never ending grind.I was always tired, couldn't stay awake for the entire day. I remember one person saying to me, it seems like it is hard for you to have fun. It was. I had a really hard time feeling any emotion. I felt like wood inside. It always felt like I was peering through a dirty window watching everyone else savor life. I would smile and laugh but I never could fully connect with those around me.
There was love around me I am sure, but I was unable to absorb it. I loved my children, but I found the weight of my life at the time made it hard to truly enjoy them. I am only now getting a sense of living a life of love and family
As I continue my healing journey, I have started to become aware of what love feels like in it's pure form. I first really noticed it with my dogs. I began to feel true pleasure at caring for them. It wasn't out of obligation. As I carried her up the stairs because she could no longer walk, I realized....this is what it feels like to love something. After this I started to become more aware of other places I could feel love. Cooking dinner, began to shift from an obligation to a pleasure. It makes me aware of how I had shut down my emotions for such a long time. It's not safe to love in the environment I was living in, love was a weapon in that house. One of the tools he used to manipulate. It is such a good feeling to be able to have this feeling of openness and warmth.
its a tough pill to swallow when you realize what you thought was love, wasn't. All the things you thought you had were not actually there. So much time believing in someone who routine would lie and betray you. Then I suddenly realized. I don't care. The anger is finally on the wane. I needed to be angry for awhile. I needed to process just want had happened. And I finally got to the place where it becomes clear, none of that was about me, but about him. The way he treated me had nothing to do with my worth, it was about his lack of it.
I like this new feeling. It feels good. It feels calm. I feel a real warmth and connection with my kids. We are now a real family. This is how it is supposed to be. I am grateful for this change. I made huge mistakes in my choices the first time around. Thank God for this second chance to actually live.