I am so over it

The past couple days I have been processing the latest events. I really do not know that man. I know the shell, I know the face. But that person, I don't know him. Even though we share four children, that person is a stranger. I know that voice, and that tone, but it is miles away and no relation to me. I have no obligation or loyalty to him.

I think I see him now for who he really is rather than who he pretended to be. He lives a lifestyle that does not fit with mine in any way. I remember my daughter in law saying to me, "I don't know how the two of you ever ended up together, you are so different". And it really is so true.

It's an amazing feeling to realize that the old manipulations and tactics now have zero effect. I am no longer his puppet. I have achieved full emotional separation. He is completely unable to manipulate me now. In our last phone conversation,

(likely our final conversation as I see no purpose in ever speaking to him again) the level of his manipulation tactics and gaslighting was on full display. He kept trying different arguments and tactics moving on to the next as each one failed. I will have to learn to forgive myself for allowing myself to be fooled by him for so many years.

He was crying the blues about how child support was going to ruin him. He seemed to think I didn't understand because I wasn't giving in. Yes, I completely understand, but I don't see how it's my problem. Why should I forgo child support for his children, so he has more money to support someone else's kids? Isn't that basically me paying for them? Why is it up to me to make the concessions necessary so he can stay in his house? It was up to him to organize his finances to protect himself. If he is having such a hard time, why is he buying a pool and his partner posting pictures of a table full of various cannabis products. Why are they buying all the kids expensive new iPhones? Shouldn't supporting his children be a priority over those items. Take care of the basic expenses before you go for those luxuries. Don't buy stuff you can't afford then cry poverty. Even if I did make concessions, I am quite sure he would be nice until it was signed and then the asshole would kick in again.

He wasn't worried at all about supporting his kids in any way until literally the last minute before our first court date. If I never pursued this, he would be more than happy to just leave the full responsibility on my shoulders. The thing is, he knows I can do it, but that doesn't make it alright. It doesn't matter how much I make, or that I make so much more than he does. (with that job I can't hold on to lol see https://www.carolynnes-world.com/post/you-can-t-hold-a-job for context) None of that matters, he has a responsibility to his kids and it's up to him to live up to that responsibility.

He has gone back to the lifestyle he was in before I met him, it's a very different social circle than I inhabit. Different values, different priorities, different goals. Its a rough life, not one I am interested in. He never progressed in his career from the day I met him, he was still at the same salary level from beginning to the end. In his life he has not really accomplished anything or done anything of note. He was never careful about taking care of his physical health either. It used to be a point of contention for us when I would try to get him to use the appropriate safety gear, or even expressed concern at how loud he listened to music as I worried for hearing damage. Well, once again my ignored warnings have come to pass. How many times have I warned him of some danger, and he would just call me a stupid controlling bitch. He never seemed to learn. In the past, I always turned myself inside out to protect him (and us) from the consequences of his poor decision making. My reward was to be berated. I remember feeling like I had to fight him every step of the way to do the best for our family. He was always dragging me down.

All that is catching up to him now, and once again he looks to me to bail him out like I always have. But I am not going to do it anymore. I am finally learning to establish and maintain some healthy boundaries. I remember when he used to do stupid stuff, I used to tell him half-jokingly, don't expect me to clean up your shitty diapers when your old because you didn't take care of yourself. He will have to deal with his own consequences this time. He can clean up his own shit.