" It took a while for her to figure out she could run, but when she did, she was long long long gone...." excerpt from Stupid Boy, Keith Urban.
I heard this song for the first time shortly after my separation. I was hit hard by how the song summarized my experience in my marriage. The words "the only voice she hears telling her she can't" echo for me, in that type of marriage you become isolated and you feel like you cannot do anything. You cannot even imagine a different life for yourself. I hope this website/blog will help other women in my position recognize and escape emotionally abusive relationships. Like many women, I did not even realize the relationship was abusive until I was out. The abuse is so covert and gradually escalates, you feel trapped and miserable and you are not sure why. By time you realize what is happening, you are in so deep you can't see a way out. But there is a way out. You can have a new life, you can be happy. It takes time, there are a lot of tears and you will grow. On the other side you will find joy and freedom.
"In Carolynne's World!!!!!" was a insult my ex-husband used to sneer at me to let me know l know, that I whatever I had just said was not worthy of consideration. It was usually stated with an air of contempt.
There was an implicit message that "Carolynne's World" i was off in my own little deluded universe. He would say this after I would make a remark about something or other. I was so out of touch, judgmental and stupid. This is a phrase I heard often. Even now, I can still hear the sneer in his voice.
He did the same thing with my name. Every time he said it, said it with pure contempt, it made my name sound ugly. Of course, no one else knew this was happening, it only happened behind closed doors. In public, he would change to a more up beat tone so it sounded more like playful teasing. To the outside world, I had the most loving, kind and thoughtful partner possible.
The shift between the public man and the private man was immediate, one second he was all smiles and Mr. Wonderful, then the car door would close and I was a stupid, lying cheating whore. I am not sure that I can describe the emotions I felt when he would do this, shame, feeling small, stupid, and definitely unworthy. I was sub-human that didn't really deserve a place in this world.
He told me he would teach me how I was to behave, so that I would be acceptable to other human beings. Lucky for me though (he told me) he would tolerate me. And I would told again and again, how he was the only person on earth that ever would. According to him I was so horrible and vile as a human being, that I couldn`t even be taken out in public.
In this blog, I will get into the details. I will tell every part of that journey, my hope is that it might resonate and help someone out there. Maybe it will help you recognize some of the red flags. Maybe it will help you realize your situation is not normal.
For me, there have been many people who have helped me. Some where anonymous bloggers that had the courage to share their stories. When you see it in print, it suddenly does not look so harmless.
I had become isolated from my friends and my family, as what happens in these cases. But, I found when I opened up and started to let people into my life, they came, and they warmed my soul. I didn't realize how many people loved and cared for me. Even strangers that gave me support and helped me on my way and they disappeared again into the mix of humanity, their imprint remaining on my heart and soul. People that completely changed my life and are completely unaware of the magnitude of their impact.
Even though the beginning of the story of "Carolynne's World" sounds bleak. This is not actually a sad story. I am happier today than I probably have ever been.
Its been a long road, and there is a long way to go. I have gone though some psychologically tough times. Thankfully, I had friends that never abandoned me, no matter how crazy I acted sometimes.
I am redefining `"Carolynne's World". Carolynne`s World is an amazing place to live, its filled with music, love, learning and understanding. Its a place where I will challenge my fears and expand my horizons.
I will be updating often, there is a lot to tell, both from the past in into the future. Please subscribe and come back to hear the whole story and how this story ends (I don't even know that part yet)
I hope this blog can help people who are stuck or escaping toxic relationships. It was the support of others that helped me escape. This is me paying back their kindness and support.